


The Cosmonauts Server's List of 48 Things a Cis/Het Character Needs in Order for Us to Think They're Necessary

by Flux_Uchiha



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28871472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flux_Uchiha/pseuds/Flux_Uchiha
Summary: The Cosmonauts server found this list called "My List of 45 Things a Gay Character Needs In Order for Me to Think They’re Necessary". We read through it, and decided that making a joking parody was in order. Behold.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	The Cosmonauts Server's List of 48 Things a Cis/Het Character Needs in Order for Us to Think They're Necessary

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who grew up/lives around a collection of cishet people, I believe I am the expert on subjects such as these. With the overly abundant representation, I have deemed it necessary to create a list of requirements to limit the cishet collection to keep it properly accurate.

1) All cishet people should wear salmon-pink polo shirts + khakies or a sky-blue summer dress. Alternatives include buffalo plaid. 

2) All cishet people should drive a Camaro.

3) They must repeatedly mention "No Homo" Especially if the action in question cannot be interpreted as gay.

4) All cishet people must be over six foot. To distinguish them more clearly from the gays, which are under five foot. 

5) All cishet people should know how to hunt and fish.

6) All Southern cishets MUST drive a Ford Pick-up truck

7) All Southern cishets must own a gun.

8) All straight cishet romances must go from hating each other to being married in one chapter or episode. 

9) All Southern cishets must drink beer. 

10) All cishet relationships must include a severe misunderstanding that happens because someone reads a text out of context and it must be fixed by a gay best friend who is a communication master. 

11) All cishet men must like sports. 

12) The cishets must never do the kissing of the homies goodnight. 

13) All cishet men must support the military. 

14) All cishet men must be seen with their shirt off so that everyone may see how manly they are. Also applies to lesbians to help them attract a mate.

15) If a cishet man wears makeup he is automatically adopted into the LGBTQ community without question. No one else questions his presence there either. 

16) Every southern cishet guy must make a country album and speak with a drawl. The second also applies to cishet southern females. 

17) The cishet must allude to trauma at some point, staring out at the distance. Then never bring it up again. 

18) All cishet women must have a scene where they take off their shirt to use as a bandage. Includes obligatory bra showing. 

19) All cishet men must be named after great generals. 

20) All cishet women (but especially from Utah) must have "uniquely" spelled names that give poor substitute teachers headaches. 

21) All cishet guys must watch football.

22) All cishet women must wear makeup UNLESS they are the designated "nerdy" one, in which case they must be shown explicitly _not_ putting on makeup. 

23) As a continuation as the last number, all cishet females will also be supermodel hot, even(especially) without makeup. 

24) Cishet women must be uncomfortably close to each other and read Sappho, the ultimate lesbian's works. 

25) Of Shakespeare's work, cishet men must only read Romeo and Juilet. 

26) In a cishet friend group, at least one must be incredibly stupid. 

27) At least one cishet guy per friend group must be a party animal. 

28) Cishet men that are super sporty must be extremely dumb to compensate. 

29) Cishet men must be able to lift more than 70 pounds. 

30) Cishet people must always have a crew cut if male, or a bob cut if female. A long flowing hair cut that inexplicably never gets caught in anything is also acceptable for females. 

31) Cishet guys must know the name of every single existing gun ever and be able to identify them on sight. 

32) Should a female cishet character do something "manly" she must explain that it is because she has brothers. 

33) Cishet men must know all NBA or NFL players. Preferably both. 

34) Every cishet guy must own a needlessly large hammer. Only one. No more. If more, they risk adoption into the LGBTQ community. 

35) As an addendum for the previous number, a large truck is also acceptable. But again, only one. 

36) All cishets must instinctively know how to use any and all fire extinguishers. 

37) Cishet men must be able to pull any tool from thin air. 

38) All cishet women must have had a "horse phase". The male equivalent is also a required "car phase". This is mandatory for cishet, although often experienced by the LGBTQ community. 

39) Cishet men cannot have an inside voice. They must always be the loudest in the room. 

40) Cishet women must be able to teleport to kitchens or their closets like a save point in a video game. 

41) In the same vein as the previous number, Cishet men must be able to teleport to their man-caves or garages in the same fashion. 

42) Cishet people must at least once think that they are so very forward. They are not. No one must tell them this. 

43) Cishet people must be able to fly a plane with pinpoint accuracy. 

44) Cishet men can never enter women's clothing stores and vise versa. 

45) Cishet men can never carry a bag that looks too much like a purse. Can only be a backpack.

46) Cishet men must look each other in the eye and shake the other's hand with all the force in their bodies when meeting for the first time. Possible passive-aggressive comments included. 

47) All cishet characters possess remarkable healing and stamina which lets them walk and fight even after being shot. 

48) In a similar vein, all female cishets can never be affected by such bodily functions as the time of the month. They also never bleed through their clothing in that way. 

**Author's Note:**

> (Feel free to make something with these rules, only requirement is I wanna see!)


End file.
